here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Also, beer. Big fan.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
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