i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Quick, to the slutcave!
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
