Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize