I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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