I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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