Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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