Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
