woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
