I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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