Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize