Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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