and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
This house was built for laser tag.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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