So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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