I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
