you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize