Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
