I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
