need another drink. this is the easiest way
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
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