my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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