I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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