if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
