are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
