Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
