Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
