i already hear my dad disowning me
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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