I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
