In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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