U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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