Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
