Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
