So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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