A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
