i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
