i just wanna soil my oats bro
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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