Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
