Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
