I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
