bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
