So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
