my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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