I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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