i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
