I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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