he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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