TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
