...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
