You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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