Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
