So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
