The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
