Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
