I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
