Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
