you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
