he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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