I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
