I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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