she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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