There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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