Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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