I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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