3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
