so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
